Wednesday, 2 September 2009

The Amputation Diet

Guest Post by A. Hack

Cruise: no allegations
The latest diet craze sweeping through the rich and famous is being dubbed the 'Amputation Diet'.

New advances in surgical technology and cryogenics have made possible the most gruesome calorie restriction technique yet to emerge.

Dieters have one or both of their hands surgically removed and frozen cryogenically for a period of up to 6 months. Since this removes their ability to properly handle dining utensils like a knife and fork, they naturally lose weight.

"Some people are happy to just have their fork hand removed," said a surgeon who wished to remain anonymous. "The extra effort of eating with a hand they don't normally use leads to up to 33% fewer calories consumed.

Yet stars determined to lose weight as quickly as possible are having both hands removed.

"This is only really practical for movie stars and rich people," said celebrity watcher Donna Kebab. "In the same way that they can afford to disappear for 3 months after plastic surgery, they can also hide away during the months of an amputation diet."

Pitt & Thurman: disguising scars?
At the end of the agreed period, the frozen hands are defrosted in a special way to avoid tissue damage, then re-grafted onto the dieter's wrist.

"Have you ever noticed how many stars wear wrist watches?" asks gossip columnist Helena Handbasket. "Although the plastic surgeons do a great job, they can't work miracles - there is always some scarring," she added.

The amputation diet may have been around for longer than people realise: Luke Skywalker is believed to be amongst a small number of stars who gambled with their hands to achieve the perfect body in the early eighties, when the technique was in its infancy.

Unfortunately the procedure went badly wrong, and the Jedi's hand was damaged beyond repair. It is rumoured Skywalker then conspired with Star Wars director George Lucas to change the Empire Strikes Back plot, engineering a storyline to explain the missing hand.

Skywalker - procedure
went wrong

Film-goers saw the hero lose his hand in a gripping light-saber battle against arch-enemy Darth Vader. As fans will know, Skywalker then had a robotic hand fitted, which appeared to function every bit as well as the original.

Insiders say this plot twist was in fact a cruel joke dreamed up by Vader and the producer Steven Spielberg, both of whom were overweight at the time and jealous of Skywalker's improving figure.

Once he became accustomed to the robotic hand, Skywalker quickly regained the weight he had lost and more besides - while in the meantime Vader and Spielberg had lost 20lbs each through Atkins and Jazzercize.

So as celebrities queue up for the treatment, concern is being expressed from those connected with more traditional weight loss approaches.

"This is symptomatic of the quick-fix culture we find ourselves in today", commented Professor Hal Fwit of the Centre for Universal Nutrition Technicians and Scientists. "We recommend a low fat diet and a regular exercise regime for effective weight loss. This has proved 100% effective for sustained wight loss when you exclude from the data those who later put the weight back on."


Anonymous said...

Low-fat diet has been successful, has it? So successful, that some people are now succumbing to the ultimate perversion of having body parts removed in order to lose weight. My suspicion is, that both subjects and surgeos had a previous operation. Surgical removal of their brains.

A-Train said...

If one is thinking about this, I suggest the colonoscopy diet first. You have a doctor take a look, then pull your head out of there.

The Fat Runner said...

Hilarious! Better saved for April 1 though...

Vin - NaturalBias said...

Thanks for the laugh! :) What's sad is that some people practically go this far to lose weight. Stapling your stomach in half and bypassing part of your intestines is just about as silly to me as cutting off your hands.

Yummy said...

hahahaha!!! You are so awesome!

Asclepius said...

I hear Captain Hook was also an 'early adopter'!

Clinically Obese! No Just a Little Fat! said...

Perfect diet for the stars. Why just for the stars why not for everyone. I am sure Fat Jo at the pub would love this one. She cannot stop putting food in her mouth. Diet of diets. Very Cool!

The next new diet fad to remove the stomach completely. Now that's gotta work at reducing weight and a must for weight watchers classes everywhere.

Methuselah said...

Asclepius - funny you should say that: there was a final paragraph about Captain Hook but the post was getting too long!

CO: NJALF - you say that in jest, but nothing would surprise me these days!

Anonymous said...

thanks for the heads up! I have been searching the internet for a quick fix-- and here i find it! can't be too sure with all the crap ya read on the intermanet, but this looks legit!


Kiki said...

You are one funny dude.

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