Monday, 13 October 2008

The Hair Colour Diet

Guest Post by A. Hack

Gillian Anderson: carrots
There has been a multitude of diets touted in the press in recent months, adding to the growing list of ways in which we are told we can lose weight, become healthier and achieve the perfect physique; but a new diet being recommended by nutritionist Professor Klondike Von Shaffenburg looks set to re-write the rules. In The Hair Colour Diet: How being in Tune with your Pigmentation can Change your Life, Professor Shaffenburg sets out his diet, which centres around eating only foods that match the color of your hair.

Pamela Anderson: bananas
Redheads like Gillian Anderson, he explains, should stick to foods like carrots, tomatoes, red peppers, red meat (eaten raw) and fruits like strawberries and rasberries. Pamela Anderson, on the other hand, should stick to foods like bananas, lemons, yellow peppers and egg yolks.

In an interview with Nutrition Insanity magazine this month, Professor Shaffenburg says that people who dismiss his work as 'Utter drivel' have obviously not read his book.

"People in mainstream nutrition are terrified of new ideas," he suggests. "If everyone realised that the conventional thinking on nutrition is wrong it would turn the food industry and the medical establishment on their heads."

"The science is complicated," he goes on to say. "We all have differing levels of colour molecules in our hair, and this is reflected in the levels circulating in our blood too. Molecules of a similar colour reflect light of a similar wavelength, due to the pattern of electrons in their atoms. This means that when the red chemicals in our blood from food - such as the lycpene that is responsible for tomatoes being red - meets the hair colour molecules, we maximise the metabolic synergies and promote optimum health."

Professor Shaffenburg is no stranger to controversy. In 1992 the Swedish government shut down his Swedish Optimum Nutrition University - from which he received his professorship - amid a flood of allegations. A number of participants taking part in a clinical trial at the university alleged they were being asked to take part in unreasonable activities about which they had not been told beforehand. The trials for Professor Shaffenburg's 'Colonic Cockroach Therapy' were halted immediately.

Only time will tell whether this new diet will prove to be the holy grail of human nutrition. In the meantime, it is the unfortunate consumer who is left to try to navigate the maze of options now on offer.

Professor Shaffenburg, who is 40 years old and an albino, has been living on milk, egg whites, coconut and refined sugar since inventing his diet in 1998. He can be contacted at Ward 16 of The London Clinic for the Terminally Ill via his care nurse, Gladice.


Anonymous said...

Hahahahaha! I love it. Because of the fact that my hair contains both Blonde, Brown, Black AND red folicles, I think that means I can eat anything and everything and be healthy. That is until the rest of my hair evactuates my head... then am I required to eat... well nothing I guess. I didn't think you would pull this post off so well or so quickly. Nice work Methusela!

Neil said...

what do baldies eat? Nice one, lol

Anonymous said...

Fantastic post, Methuselah. I love the idea. It reminds me of Onion Fake News material. I may have to try one out myself. I'll give it some thought and will be sure to throw a hat tip your way if I put something together in this humorous vein.

Methuselah said...

Son of Grok and Neil - I dunno guys - I think maybe once you're bald you can eat only eggs with the shell on ;-)

Mark - thanks - I look forward to reading it!

Asclepius said...

LOL. Excellent!

Anonymous said...

Great post. There are so many stupid fad diets out there, and most are just made up by people with no qualifications at all. The sad thing is that some poeple actually follow these diets, and end up making themselves ill.

I wonder how many people will only read the first half of this article and act on it?

Anonymous said...


I LOVE it when people try to complicate things. What a great article...this is hillarious.

I'm a bald guy as well...I suppose I am not allowed to eat anything.

The ironic thing about this diet is that you know they are going to make money off of this!

Methuselah said...

Seafood - I dread to think, now that you mention it. I'd hate to face a class action suit from a bunch of bald people with no sense of humour who ended up malnourished!

Methuselah said...

Rusty - glad you enjoyed it. I can't wait to see the next one to emerge. The banana diet was the most recent example - that turned out to be a whole bunch of stuff that just happened to include eating a banana for breakfast. Sometimes I think people think of a book title first, then figure out a way to turn it into a diet or fitness program...

Hair design said...

Wow, amazing and beautiful article. Thank you for sharing.

Methuselah said...

Hair design - not sure whether you got the true gist of this, but in case not, may I suggest you don't recommend this to your clients ... ;-)

Unknown said...

Gillian Anderson isn't even a natural redhead. Pfft.

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